I have been a sufferer for 6 years. I was very lucky to understand after my first attack that I was suffering from Anxiety.
What does it mean?
To me anxiety does not mean stressed out or upset. I understand anxiety to be the build up of an overwhelming flow of emotions coursing through an individual all at one moment. That is what the psychological condition anxiety means to me.
After my first attack – which was pretty heavy – the following questions suffocated me; I’m sure if you’re a sufferer you probably thought these too.
What is this I am feeling?
Am I going mad?
What’s wrong with me?
During my first Anxiety attack (I personally prefer to call this an episode), I was lost within my head. I could not make sense of what was happening to me or that my body would not stop even when my whole mind and soul and heart begged it to.
It was tough. I did not understand what I was experiencing; I was only 17. Was this teenage angst? No. I was happy. Was it because I was upset? No. I was happy. Was I really going mad? No. I’ve seen how it is when someone loses their mind and I was not going through that.
My heart was racing, and sobs tore through my body, echoing around me, bouncing off the high ceilings and surrounding me completely. I felt lost. Alone. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. Just sobs. Loud, body wracking, sobs. I could hear the blood thumping in my brain. I could hear nothing else. I felt broken. There was just one word going through my mind on a loop. Again and again and again. NO. NO. NO. NO. Oh God, please no.
Only after I had met with my personal version of a counsellor (my Hakim), did I realise that what I was experiencing was completely normal and very common. I was NOT going insane and I would definitely be okay, even if was not today or tomorrow or the day after, I would still be okay.
This is for those who are unaware of their suffering, you are not alone. You will be okay.
Feel free to share with me your first experience with anxiety in the comments below. Writing your experiences down is a way of releasing them from your body, soul and heart. I hope you find peace in sharing your story with me as I did whilst sharing mine with you 🙂